When’s the last time you experienced an existential or identity crisis?

First off, I’m a little nervous to post this article. I feel like I’m exposing myself to the possibility of some hate. But I can’t tiptoe around this issue anymore.

I also apologize for my absence from Guts Need Love for the past couple of weeks. With everything that I’ve been learning, I’m now experiencing a completely new ideological shift around health.

Everything I was sure of has been turned upside down!

My body has been showing me that I have been wrong about so much when I thought I had (mostly) figured out this whole health thing.

Where do I even begin? 

There’s some guilt and shame I’ve had to shed so I can finally accept my truth. I need to confess that because of what I know now, I can never become what I thought was moral and right.

It turns out that I was wrong.

Can I allow this new possibility?

Am I able to stop forcing what clearly doesn’t work for me?

Can I admit that thinking “someday I’ll be able to go back,” is a fantasy?

Am I finally able to admit to myself that I’m just another ex-vegan? 

My Budding Vegan Journey

Some of you may know that I had been vegetarian for a short while in high school when I ran into PETA while researching on the internet. I was so excited and inspired by the knowledge I could gain about the world through the internet when it first was introduced in our house as I was growing up.

This was in the previous century by the way 😉 

I’ve been in research mode ever since!

I was always trying to delve into unquestioned beliefs, traditions, religions, norms, and oppressive institutions of our seemingly backward society. At a young age I wasn’t satisfied with the answers I was given.

I was always in love with the earth. I was the “weird” kid hanging out in the woods alone or picking up trash in the neighborhood.

It was inevitable that I’d come down this vegan path.

Anyway, my vegetarianism was short-lived because you have very little control over your food choices when your a kid living in your parent’s house. After some struggles with not ever feeling satisfied or satiated, I reluctantly went back to eating meat sparingly.

Failed vegan attempt #1!

Several years later in 2005, I was reminded of the issues I cared so deeply about after watching a new documentary called Earthlings.

You can never unsee Earthlings.

It was a brutal look at factory farming and animal exploitation that I had to watch in 20-minute segments because it was so traumatizing to witness.

Right after seeing that film, I dove fiercely into veganism.

No meat, dairy, eggs, honey, leather, gelatin, or other animal products of any kind in any products I used or consumed whatsoever.

I bought tons of books. I learned about the environmental impacts of factory farming and industrial agriculture. This reinvigorated the earth and nature lover in me that had always been there as a child.

Every single consumer decision I made I now looked at through my new vegan eyes.

I was making a difference.

Finally, my life had purpose!

Nutrition And Health

I was also learning all about the health benefits of eating a clean vegan diet (whole foods plant-based wasn’t really in the mainstream vocabulary at the time).

I didn’t really feel that different when I changed my diet. I was very happy though!

I was learning new things, trying new foods, exploring new ideas, living according to my values, and making a positive impact with my choices every day. That feels good!

However, after a few months, I wasn’t feeling so great. I was becoming really tired, cold all the time, and depressed. I was also getting acne!

And my digestion was very, very not good.

I was really confused because I thought that I was eating perfectly. I was eating my vegetables, tofu, oatmeal, and keeping junk food to a bare minimum.

What made me the most upset was my cravings for my mom’s meatballs!

This had never happened to me before. I was never a big meat eater and red meat was not something I was ever a big fan of. But my body was telling me that I was deficient in something. I suspected iron so I went heavier on the dark leafy greens and lentils to no avail.

In 2006, after struggling for several months I gave in and ate a meatball.

Despite my defeat and confusion, I felt physically better almost immediately.

Failed attempt #2

I Failed Again. And Again.

Over the next couple of years, I ate meat a couple of times a week. I was still eating a lot of vegetables and not much processed food at all.

My acne had gotten so out of control that it was causing me physical pain as well as a tremendous amount of stress and low self-esteem. I didn’t want to show my face anywhere. It was bumpy very red and I’d try covering it up with makeup but my skin was always peeling and bleeding. 

It was miserable.

In 2008, I discovered raw food veganism.

I thought the raw food diet could help because it was touted as being so pure and there were doctors talking about how it was the cure to all diseases.

I gave it a shot for over 4 months.

After the detox effects, I felt amazing. I had so much energy and didn’t need to sleep as much. I no longer felt the need to crack my knuckles and my back and knee pain were better.

However, I feel that these issues cleared up because I was super hydrated from all the water content in the fruit, and I was always high on the sugar in the fruit.

I was constantly eating.

But I never felt satisfied.

Around month 4 my teeth started to hurt and my acne had gotten worse!

Worse!?

I went back to cooked foods and eventually back to eating small amounts of animal products…

Failed attempt #3

Around 2010 my acne had gotten a little better. I had also learned a lot more about the best supplements to take. I tried veganism again and again over the course of 5 years.

I was having problems with the insulin rollercoaster ride.

If I didn’t eat every 2 hours, I’d feel nauseous and weak.

I was still feeling tired, depressed, and anxious.

I’d fix one problem, and another would pop up!!

There was another strong attempt in 2013 where I was obsessed with all the supplements and superfoods like spirulina and healthy fats like olive oil, coconut oil, flax, nuts, etc.

But I was still having digestive issues like constipation, bloating, nightly indigestion that would wake me up in the middle of the night, and skin problems that were affecting daily life.

I couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong.

I felt awful.

I didn’t want to think about it anymore and just continued to eat meat a couple of times a week.

That became my normal.

Failed attempt #4 and the resulting mess I made of my health.

I Can’t Be Vegan And Be Healthy

Even though I wasn’t really part of the vegan community I still always felt like I was kinda like a secret vegan sinner.

Or a future vegan!

A temporarily embarrassed and omnivorous vegan!

I was vegan on the inside! Or…in my heart?

That label was hard to brush off. It wasn’t always at the forefront of my mind but meeting other vegans would make me feel like a failure. Like all of the world’s problems were my fault because I couldn’t live up to my values.

That’s a lot of weight to carry!

I’m skipping over a lot but I’ll try to bring it around to today.

I met someone recently who has been a hardcore vegan for 5 years and is very active within that community. And I found myself thinking maybe I could do it again.

Wait, what?

My voice of reason piped up:

“Nicole, what the hell are you thinking!?” 

“You’re still healing from 20 years of on and off veganism and high-carb, low-fat eating. Your insulin receptors can’t handle this. You’re still healing your gut. Your digestive issues are disappearing. Your energy is back! Your anxiety is gone! Your face is finally losing the chicken skin look. You’re finally absorbing vitamins and minerals again. You can’t do this to yourself anymore.”

Years ago, I’m ashamed to say that I was one of those people in the comment section trying to save the world and self-righteously kept trying to persuade others by saying, “Everyone can go vegan!”

It’s been an approximately 20-year journey through veganism and back and I’m lucky I didn’t damage my body permanently.

Maybe veganism can work for some people – although I’m having my doubts now – but it doesn’t work for me.

That’s something I just had to come to terms with.

I’ve been eating a diet higher in nourishing fats and animal products and I’m feeling better than ever.

I’m removing myself from contributing to factory farming as well as industrial agriculture by buying local grass-fed beef and supporting my local CSA for my veggies.

I’m learning more and more about true traditional and ancestral diets.

I’m learning about the beginning of the demonization of fat in the previous century to get people to buy industrial seed oils and vegetable oils and sugar.

We need healthy fats in order to absorb nutrients. Our brains are largely made up of fat!

I was starving myself as it seems I am one of those people who is much less efficient at converting plant sources of vitamins such as vitamin A into something my body can use. I suspect I had a lot of vitamin deficiencies just because my body couldn’t use or convert the forms of nutrients I was giving to it.

*That’s just one example. I’m not looking to debate all my specific issues.

You are not what you eat, you are what you can digest and absorb.

Acceptance

I accept that I am an ex-vegan.

I’m not trying to convince you to eat a certain way. Just to encourage you to listen to your body and to be understanding of the situation of others.

Not all nonvegans are uncaring, ignorant people.

I’m learning and I’m imperfect.

I used to judge others for their “immoral” diets and consumer choices.

But I’ve been humbled by the experience of my own body.

I can see that veganism is not accessible to everyone.

I’m now opening myself to research I never wanted to acknowledge or look at before because I was so convinced veganism was the right way to live and the path to environmental restoration.

I can see now that veganism relies heavily on industrial agriculture which is enormously destructive to our ecosystems. It drains and kills our rivers that used to be full of fish and other living beings. It interrupts natural cycles. It props up Monsanto and the production of pesticides. Monocultures kill the soil which gives all of us life.

I could go on.

We can’t be perfect.

We have to accept that life and death are connected. We can make the most local choices from smaller farms and support regenerative agriculture and permaculture practices as we are able. All of this according to our own nutrient requirements and our geographical location.

Why not figure out how to remove some of your support from BOTH factory farming AND industrial agriculture by eating mostly local? Try researching CSAs (community-supported agriculture) and grass-fed, grass-finished beef and pastured eggs in your area.

The most humane and sustainable choices will vary and depend on each person’s unique situation.

In order for us to live, other things will die. It’s a fact of life. Someday our own time will come and we will feed the plants.

I don’t see this as morbid.

I see it as a constant beautiful flow that makes us all one.

We are made of the same particles.

Have you tried veganism? Or are you plant-based? Paleo? Keto? Ancestral? What kind of diet do you eat? I’m so fascinated by the variety of diets that work for different people!

Have you ever tried a CSA program? What about a regenerative farm? Let me know in the comments 🙂

*Make sure to really check your local farms out to see what kinds of regenerative/holistic/sustainable practices they use. For example, what are the chemicals and fertilizers they use, how do they treat animals, do the animals get lots of acres of land, are eating their natural diet, are they free of hormones, and are they only given antibiotics sparingly when they are truly needed?